Warren Buffett is Jacked!!?
Welcome to The Matrix. Now get fucked.
Next time you’re feeling oversaturated and generally befuddled, maybe eh-ok in the early summer days but still a bit run down by the constant bomb bomb bombardment of life in our modern era, consider this little tidbit. We go to social media — our generational vice — and my preferred strand, Instagram. I’m guilty of sinking far too much time into Zuckerberg’s infinite picture scroll apparatus, and shameful though it is to admit, that includes the explosion of absurdity that is the Explore Page. My personalized algorithm has recently accepted as gospel that I am a fitness fanatic… which, disappointingly, is not true. BUT, I suppose I have clicked on a few workout videos — important to get those little tidbits of advice that you don’t remember by the time you go to work out! So alas, I am now subjected to a barrage of men’s fitness accounts each time I dare to ~explore~.
Feeling alright? WELL LOOK YOU FAT FUCK — THIS GUY IS JACKED!!
Ever wanted to buy a weighted bar with bands attached to it that you attach to your door which attaches to a dumbbell which attaches to a weight rack which doubles as a carbon fiber surfboard!!?? NO??? COME ON!!!!
You know. Well, earlier, in a poignant example of the absurdity that we are subjected to, I found myself clicking on a standard bullshit investment advice infographic for no particular reason — typically a man in a suit, ideally Leo DiCaprio or Tom Hardy, and several vague do and don’t platitudes spread about either side of them. MILLIONAIRE MINDSET BABY. This one in particular had the good fortune of using Warren Buffett’s image — investment advice from the master himself!
Now, picture this — a stock image of Warren Buffett surrounded by platitudes (buy LOW, sell HIGH) that he supposedly said — posted by a men’s fitness account. Except the bottom of the image was cut off, with the cut off falling mid-platitude and so erasing the ends of several of those pieces of “advice.” So we have Warren Buffett copyright Getty Images surrounded by incomplete sentences about how to get rich. And then, to finish it, the most important component: a caption exclaiming “SAVE THIS IMAGE FOR LATER REFERENCE!!!!!!”
God, how beautiful. The many layers of absolute and total shittiness, the cheap carnival absurdity. Warren Buffett didn’t say these things… and I can’t even read the fake things that fake Warren Buffett said… but save this important image, definitely… and why is a fitness account showing me this (likely an E-book offer I know)? Wait, why am I even still being shown fitness accounts?? Wait — fuck Warren Buffett, how am I supposed to buy Coca-Cola shares for 13 cents and hold them for 87 years!? WAIT — I DON’T EVEN LIKE FITNESS OR STOCKS!! WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON!?
A nice moment on a Tuesday morning while I’m procrastinating from doing my real job: I don’t want to edit this report — open Instagram — oh, nice cheeseburger — wait, this bitch is in Cabo?? — WAIT, how in the fuck did I end up reading incomplete fake Warren Buffett quotes on a men’s fitness account!!?
Yeah, so next time you’re feeling a little run down and overwhelmed… a little befuddled, perhaps… by life in our fine modern era, and you can’t quite place why, maybe you can think of this little nothing narrative and know — oh, that’s right. None of this makes any fucking sense, but here we are.
